Biggest Game of Poker Ever.

The players: The American Government, Chinese Lending Institutions, American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry, the European Union, and Americans Who Shop at the Mall.

The American Government keeps getting shit hands, and is down about 5 years salary. They have a magic bag that produces unlimited chips from the Chinese Lending Institutions.

The Chinese Lending Institutions are not even playing a hand, they only play Go with friends back home. They're just betting on the American Government's hand with chips made from panda bear habitat.

The American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry has been bluffing fast and loose with a huge amount of bravado. This infuriates the European Union, who then proceed to copy him. However, the American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry knows that the American Government will spot him whatever he loses at the end of the game, and in fact has already given him decals he can put on his $5 chips to make them appear to be $50 chips. The American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry thanks the American Government with a gift of a $500 chip, which is really only one of those $5 chips that he's put his own decal on. The American Government wonders how anybody got a $500 chip at a $100 table, but they're not about to seriously ask any questions.

The European Union was sitting on two pair, kings and jacks, but noticed that since American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry drew 3 cards, they needed to draw 4. Now they realize they've given up a possible full house for a pair of treys and a queen. Their chips are exceedingly better made than the American chips, and come in 13 different colors, but they've set a goal of reducing this amount to only 3 colors by 2018. If they lose too many of them, Russia will pick a huge fight when they get home.

The Americans Who Shop at the Mall have no idea what they're doing. They need to lose some weight, and since they've seen it on ESPN, they figure poker must be pretty athletic. All they really know about it is that if they bet as much as they can for as long as they can, they might impress the hot chick that's been sitting with the American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry. Unsure how to play, they keep asking everyone else to teach them. The European Union keeps giving the Americans Who Shop at the Mall consistently good advice, which is automatically dismissed. They rely solely on the judgment of the American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry, who now owns their cars, houses, and children's college funds. Increasingly, they are uneasy about the Chinese Lending Institutions, who keep waving shiny plastic trinkets in front of them, which they immediately buy, remarking on their low price. Both the American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry and American Government have pressured Americans who Shop at the Mall to go all in, which they do, bewildered.

The American Government calls and shows a pair of deuces. The Chinese Lending Institutions ask for some of their chips back, which the American Government produces from the magic bag.

The EU folds.

The American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry has an ace.

The Americans Who Shop at the Mall have three sevens and two aces, which the American Commercial Banking & Finance Industry immediately foreclose on, while selling two junk cards to the American Government for $1.2 trillion. The Americans Who Shop at the Mall call on the American Government for help against this unfairness, and the American Government responds by giving the Americans Who Shop at the Mall one of its deuces, saying that it's worth two aces in blackjack, which they should learn to play in community college.