Thomas Friedman.

Name one thing Thomas Friedman has ever said that is true, or has turned out to be true.

One fucking thing.

I'm not even sure he's done the basic research to know his own surname.

And now he's on the TV telling me all I need to know about the stimulus, and the housing crisis, and what Obama should do, what he shouldn't do, etc.

Seriously, I want that gig. I can make up bullshit and say it convincingly, too. I can even stare at my interviewer and raise my eyebrow, just like him.

Let me be a tool, too! I can be your corporate tool, your industry spokesman, your foreign policy monkey, your war-selling hack! I can bring my own bullshit perspective and wildly inaccurate sense of Zeitgeist to continue the narrative that I am smart and insightful. Fuck! Of course I am capable of knowing everything, I am a columnist for the New York Times! I buck conventional wisdom by using conventional wisdom to sell my conventional ideas--WITHOUT ANY INNATE CONCEPT OF HOW SUCH THINGS WORK! Correlation can imply causation if we really want it to because this is America! I can sell your bullshit with a dramatic flourish of eyebrow gesticulations and blunt invective against cultures I do not understand! I once had to rent a Lincoln, because they were out of imports at the airport! Americans can still make quality cars! I drove one for 3 days! I know! I wasn't even that embarrassed! I had a kid from the neighborhood program the time on my laserdisc player! Let's see a Nigerian kid do that! America is special and is going to win! But we should still give all of our Betamax shit to Nigeria so they can create their own Hollywood, because rich celebrities make regular people want to succeed, and this is how you make Africa prosperous. What part of this sentence do you not understand? Fuck! I peer at you from under my eyebrows so you know I'm serious, and so you know that I know I just won the argument I just decided to have! Do you see how easy I make it? Tell me where you want me to go to be wrong about something! I can be wherever you need me--I have an Orvis catalog in the shitter, I am prepared for anything! Let me be your Friedman monkey! Suck. On. This! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! Six more months and victory in Iraq! We can use the money from the oil to pay for it all! We can bury the dead Iraqis in a large pit and put something heavy on top, like the corpse of the antiquated Fourth Amendment, and in 6 more months we'll have more oil! This is what Americans want! If we give $18 trillion to the banks our crisis is solved in 5-6 months! What we have GOT to figure out is that we. can. not. stop. listening. to. columnists. who. insert. dramatic. pauses. into. sentences. they. wish. to. emphasize. on. TV--or we lose to Islam and variable interest rates!

Oh God damn. I almost began sweating in my mock turtleneck, gripped with fear that someone would be onto my game and call me the fool I am! I was wrong. Thomas Friedman, no one can do what you do, day after day, month after month, half year after half year.